Are you the driven type? The person who does NOT have time for drama, ego cases, or divas (men or women)? I ran into a situation just yesterday that opened my eyes to a connection I have with my patients struggling with eating disorder recovery. Some of them have the same tendency I do to believe life is too short to keep people in their lives that feel toxic. You know the type. The ones who simply don’t get it. They have zero humility, egoes they will never earn, and no openness to feedback.
I also know what you’re thinking, too…
Why even ATTEMPT to continue communicating with them? Don’t I have WAY more important things to do? The answer is a definite YES. You don’t owe them anything, especially the reason you are cutting them out of your life.
Dude, I SO get you. This has become a pattern of mine in order to keep the pace of my life going at the velocity it does, but it never really felt quite right. It felt righteous, but not peaceful, if that makes any sense. I am so not ashamed to admit, that even though I cut a person out of my life, they seem to pervade my thoughts, as I think about how awful and wrong they are. So what’s the answer? How do I drop my own ego and embrace grace to ACTUALLY move on?
Below are some steps that have worked well for me:
1. Realize you’re bothered because at one time you were where they are.
I know it sounds weird, but no one would invade your thoughts or mind the way sticky people do if you didn’t share something in common with them. You either once shared the exact trait that bugs the Sh*t out of you, or your ego about “cutting them out” is WAY too similar to holding a grudge if you can’t actually let them go from your thoughts. This is where we have to back our little butts up, and “be humble, sit down.”
2. Think like a consultant.
If they were paying us to give them professional feedback, we’d most likely avoid the phrases, you’re a giant a$$hole with an ego the size of Texas. You’d actually think about HOW to present the real issues.
“Your communication style comes off as demeaning to others, and blinds others from seeing the big picture or intention they’d love people to see.”
“When you give directions without getting to know the other cohorts, it could lose you the deal, no matter how advantageous the proposal is.”
Think about professional feedback and articulate it in bullet points on a piece of paper before contacting them.
3. Understand you OWE it to them, because you owe it to yourself.
I know what you’re thinking. I don’t owe this piece of work ANYTHING! But you do. If you don’t get your thoughts gracefully off your chest, that person will stay with you indefinitely. The other side of this grace coin is that you were once in a place you could’ve used constructive professional feedback from someone who would be willing to deliver it in grace. Either someone did go out of their way to give you career saving feedback, or you sure wish they had in hindsight. The issue is that your own problem child probably only subconsciously knows there is a problem, and we all have issues we can’t see, that others do. Like spinach in your teeth, it can be uncomfortable to talk about, but in the end we are grateful someone was brave enough to tell us.
4. Talk to them.
As awesomely passive aggressive (and fun) as text is, grace does not live there. Pick up the phone and ask for a time you can actually talk to them about some issues you feel they could benefit from hearing about. Do this over the phone or in person, as text ALWAYS includes their worst fear that we are criticizing them. Your voice will show you care and that you do want to help them.
In conclusion if there is someone you THOUGHT you cut out of your life, but they still live in your mind, chances, you have too big of an ego to let them go without punishment, even if it’s just in your mind. The grace comes in the honest and genuine attempt to HELP someone the way you’d want to be helped. Be kind, be gentle, and understand, the absolute truth, set in professional terms is the only way, to allow them through your mind unharmed.
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Email me at: SRO@ScarlettRameyOfficial.com
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If you’re into it, feel free to share this with any other people in your support circle that you KNOW need to hear these words!
Yours in love and support,
Scarlett Ramey, MS, RDN, CD
P.S. Hope to see you in the comments. Let’s rally together during this time and stay connected in supporting YOUR Recovery journey. The world deserves the BEST of you.♥️