Can you hold this for me? It’s a question children seem to ask ALL the time, and we as women tend to oblige, holding whatever it is, but as we get older, people don’t seem to have the same consideration as our kiddos. We get into lunches with girlfriends who just DUMP all over us, “expecting” us to hold their struggles and drama. All of a sudden, it becomes too much. How does this accidentally happen without us even noticing? Think about it, though, all the different things we “hold,” both literally and figuratively.
We hold our kids, we hold the worries and dreams of our loved ones, our partner’s stress, our parents’ fears. We hold the nagging voice that tells us we must always push harder and take on more responsibility. We hold giant issues such as how we can eat organic, while saving the planet, quit smoking and have that third child my partner wants. Is this only a woman thing? No, but I think we tend to take on more without consideration of our health and well being, on almost a default setting. Also, is this even dangerous? When we get to our breaking point we will just stop, right? Wrong! This is where the real problem lies.
As we hold our work schedules, the doctor appointments and extracurriculars, the volunteering and playdates and birthday parties, we get USED TO IT. We try and maintain this level of what has become normal and build on it. The real problem is that others now hold you to the same standard. Holding things that become too heavy eventually becomes your identity. You are now expected by yourself and the world to now hold all of this as well as your own shifting hormones, the sudden rages and sinking moods, the health scares and financial fears. The list never ends.
This also gets dangerous when we avoid asking for help. There is an assumption that everyone else we know is holding this much, too—if they’re not lugging even heavier loads. Then we pride ourselves for our own good fortune, for our immense privilege. “It could be so much worse,” we tell ourselves.
“Then why does it still feel so hard?” A small voices whispers back.
Wasn’t this the life you wanted? The life you chose: mom, wife, writer, friend?. Social media has lent itself to showing that everyone else is contentedly juggling all of this and more, while also trotting off on exotic vacations and making their families well-rounded, sustainably sourced meals, you get the picture. So what are you to do, and how do we reframe this feeling.
The easiest way to get a grip on how much help you could use and how unnatural it truly is to carry all that you’re carrying is to look at the children in your life, and imagine them having to carry all you’re expected to carry. Their light would suddenly dim and dull under the pressure. This helps put in perspective the enormity of all you’re carrying and can easily help you grasp why you too are dimming and dulling under the weight.
We easily teach young people around us how to say, “No,” and yet, have the most difficult time when it comes to ourselves. Self-care is such a buzz right now with yoga, massage, and “treat yoself.” Maybe we can get to the root of self care with getting real about what we can—and want to—hold, and what we need to set down. About the true size of our own mental arms.
Not everyone can take a hiatus from work, but we can say no to volunteering at our kids’ school, or to social media, or taking on that extra project at work that makes our chests constrict. Or better yet make it a logical exercise:
1. Make a list of all the things you feel you carry.
2. Cross out, 2 by 2, everything you don’t need to do.
3. Circle everything you could hand off to someone else if you needed to.
4. Underline the things that give you joy.
5. Give up 5 things you KNOW you don’t have to do, and, more importantly don’t WANT to do.
6. Repeat this exercise every week until you feel you’re carrying the things that give you vitality, energy, joy, and overall peace.
7. Repeat this exercise every week even AFTER that point.
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Yours in love and support,
Scarlett Ramey, MS, RDN, CD
P.S. Hope to see you in the comments. Let’s rally together during this time and stay connected in supporting YOUR Recovery journey. The world deserves the BEST of you.♥️