There is a science to recovery, and also a ton of things we do to manipulate and sabotage our recovery efforts because it’s scary. You know what I mean, taking just a little off the top of each exchange in your meal plan (reason #1 why I refuse to use meal plans), eating exactly enough just to maintain a weight that is not necessarily progressing forward, but at least not going down (right?).
We like to call this stuck but safe. You already know weight gain is the “bush” your beating around, and sometimes we become willing to do almost anything to avoid this part. You’ve varied your diet to include fear foods (only to fit it into your exchanges, never to add), eat in front of people, etc. These activities can all seem pointed in the direction of recovery, however, you know you’re stuck in the safety zone because you will NOT allow your weight to budge toward its recovery weight.
Do we have to accept our bodies in order to gain weight? Oh, I sure hope not, otherwise NO ONE, like zero of my patients would gain an ounce.
Consider this for a minute though…
1. Are you scared to gain weight? Probably if you’re on of my peeps
2. Are you comfortable at the weight you are currently? Probably not if we are being honest.
3. When you dropped to this weight, were you supposed to be happy and comfortable? Anorexia says, “Yep!” Until you actually achieve the weight loss, then back to #2.
Weight loss in an eating disorder is such a lie in the end. It promises you won’t feel as anxious with your body image and you’ll finally be able to accept yourself. None of these things actually happen with any amount of weight loss. What DOES happen is that the anxiety and panic you generally feel lifts for 5-10 minutes, giving you ONLY a sense of relief before it comes rushing back in droves.
You ask yourself, quite logically, “What did I do wrong?”
The answer ends up being the re-evaluation of the 3 options above. So #1 is obviously not the answer because if you feel this bad now, gaining would only make it worse, and #2 can’t be an option, as it simply didn’t last. The obvious answer ends up being #3. I actually totally understand that even a brief moment of relief is better than the Hell you’re living with now, but I invite you to consider another path you haven’t tried, or have and given up on due to it being intolerable.
The thing about you folks is that you’re WILDLY strong, and can tolerate some of the worst feelings out there, so I don’t want to minimize the pain weight gain can be. Professionals in this industry like to say that weight gain, “Can be uncomfortable.” Are you KIDDING?! In my personal opinion, gaining weight is like wanting to throw yourself off a bridge every time you eat what it takes to gain weight, every time you look in the mirror, and a billion other times throughout the day. Uncomfortable, it is NOT. Unbearable would be a more acceptable term, and yet STILL remain an understatement.
So what I’m saying is I get it, even if I have never had to go through your journey. The pain is just too big to have to go through for such a long period of time. The shorter bout of losing again to gain even a little relief is somehow easier. This is the cycle of weight loss in eating disorders, and this is WHY you can’t JUST eat and gain weight. Because you’re having to make the choice of the best of three evils, you must chose the one that doesn’t make you feel like death, I get it, but hear me out for a minute.
We are NOT happy at our current weight, and the relief DOES tend to get less and less the more we lose, right? So, pretty much we can admit we are miserable MOST of the time, so maybe we CAN withstand the worst that weight gain has to offer. Maybe we CAN withstand the stomach distention that never seems to go away. Maybe we CAN withstand the anxiety we already feel, as we furiously maintain a sense of anxiety to keep our weight the same. Maybe it doesn’t get worse. Maybe it’s just is a different flavor of anxiety. Maybe we ARE strong enough to hang in there for our bodies to recover. Maybe we are JUST strong enough to get to a point where we have the option to use behaviors or not. Maybe you CAN gain the weight, and stop the monkeys from making you feel crazy all day long. Maybe you were made to help people, and change the world instead of counting calories, and hoping for relief that never lasts. Maybe you’re better than your eating disorder wants you to be.
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Yours in love and support,
Scarlett Ramey, MS, RDN, CD
P.S. Hope to see you in the comments. Let’s rally together during this time and stay connected in supporting YOUR Recovery journey. The world deserves the BEST of you.♥️
This is exactly how I feel and I really appreciate that you get it. Thank you o much for sharing this.
You are so welcome!