If you think you hear women saying “I’m sorry” more than men, you’re right. Women apologize more often than men do, according to a new study.

Women vs. Men Apologizers

But it’s not that men are reluctant to admit wrongdoing, the study shows. It’s just that they have a higher threshold for what they think warrants reparation. When the researchers looked at the number of apologies relative to the number of offenses the participants perceived they had committed, the researchers saw no differences between the genders.

“Men aren’t actively resisting apologizing because they think it will make them appear weak or because they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions,” said study researcher Karina Schumann, a doctoral student in social psychology at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada. “It seems to be that when they think they’ve done something wrong they do apologize just as frequently as when women think they’ve done something wrong. It’s just that they think they’ve done fewer things wrong.”The findings might have implications for how men and women communicate with each other, she said.

Should you apologize?

Although women are often stereotyped as the more apologetic sex, there is little empirical evidence to back this assumption.

Schumann and her colleagues conducted two studies to see if genders do indeed differ in how often they apologize, and if so, why this might be.

In one, 33 university students ages 18 to 44 kept an online dairy for 12 days documenting whether they apologized or did something they thought required an apology, even if they didn’t actually say they were sorry. They also kept track of how often they felt someone had committed an offensive act against them that warranted an apology.

Women apologized more and reported committing more offensive acts, but both men and women apologized about 81 percent of the time when they deemed their actions offensive.

Men were also less likely to report being victims of wrongdoing. This led the researchers to investigate whether men are just not offended as easily, and less likely to think they’ve done something objectionable.

In the second study, 120 undergraduates rated how severe they thought a particular offensive was. For instance, they had to imagine they woke their friend up late at night, and because of the sleep disturbance, the friend did poorly on an interview the next day. Women rated the offenses as more severe than men did, and women were also more likely to say the friend deserved an apology.

The studies, detailed online Sept. 21 in the journal Psychological Science, were small and involved only university students, so the findings might not be applicable to all men and women in general.

Better Communication

Women might have a lower threshold for what requires an apology because they are more concerned with the emotional experiences of others and in promoting harmony in their relationships, Schumann speculated.

Recognizing that men and women may perceive situations differently may help the genders to get along.

“Neither men nor women are wrong when they disagree about whether or not an offense has occurred or whether or not an apology is desired,” Schumann said. “It’s just that they have different perceptions of an event that has occurred between them.”

When one partners is angry and feeling victimized, thinking, “How can my partner love me if he isn’t recognizing what he did,” that person should consider that the other partner “might not be seeing the event the same way that they see the event,” she said.

Here are the most important things about eating disorders I wish our doctors and other medical experts knew:

1. Men have eating disorders too.

This isn’t just a female issue.  We are seeing an alarming increase in the male population struggling with eating disorders. Anorexia’s signature weight loss makes it easier to diagnose than some other eating disorders. Men can also struggle with what’s called the Adonis Complex, where they build muscle and weight but have a dysmorphic view of their body shape, always believing it to be too small. This can cause an enormous amount of shame, all while appearing to be the medical picture of health. Due to the fact that their bodies have a set point, where they can no longer gain an ounce of muscle, or keep up with the rigorous training to keep that muscular body, they often get injured, or depressed. The suicide rate is ever increasing in this population. Obviously, this exists throughout the body building population, but also in males who have just started to put on muscle. It’s important we ask about how patients FEEL about their bodies. The answers will surprise you! Cachectic teens will feel different, sometimes than how they appear, and you WILL run into the body builder, who thinks he is too small. Take their answers seriously, as this IS their truth. These can all be signs of disordered eating.

2. No one chooses to have an eating disorder.

Imagine walking backwards, away from a bear who is slowly approaching to eat you. You fall into a hole, and instantly feel safe.  The bear cannot eat you, but you are now in a hole that is difficult to get out. Eating disorders aren’t about vanity or control. They are about feeling safe, something we rarely have to worry about.  “Just eating” ACTUALLY feels like coming out of a safe place just to be mauled by a bear. Understand eating disorders are a chemical “hole” people fall into, that may be unpleasant, but is the safest place for them. Don’t take this lightly, and remember educating them about the hole they are in is a waste of both your times. They know this hole inside and out, and intelligently made the decision to feel safe rather than be vital and happy.  Realize they are stuck between these two things, and DO want out, but they never JUMPED, per se, into this hole.

3. Not every overweight person has an eating disorder.

It’s the first thing people say after finding out I work with eating disorders. “I eat too much, THAT’S my disorder.” I have to say, it gets annerving, hearing this all the time. Being overweight does not necessarily MEAN you have an eating disorder. There are plenty of people in ALL weight categories that have disordered eating. Genetics, or a medical complication, or simply overeating over time could be the reason someone holds extra weight. Many people who are overweight also could be struggling with a type of eating disorder you may not have guessed. I had a patient who weighed over 500 pounds who was restricting with all the signs and symptoms of Anorexia Nervosa, EXCEPT the weight. Once I talked to her about her ANOREXIA, she was able to fully recover. Go back to asking them the very non medical question, “How do you feel about your body in general.” You don’t have to research eating disorders, become an expert, etc. They’ll actually TELL you most of the time.

4. They’re not all liars and manipulators.

The truth with eating disorders, and what they allow people to know is synonymous with how much they trust someone.  The truth for anyone who is scared can often vary. To the doctor who says, “Now, come on, your too thin NOT to have an eating disorder,” an anorectic patient might think, he’s not smart enough to handle what I’m going through, he has OBVIOUSLY already made up his mind, and doesn’t DESERVE my trust/truth.  When we can create a safe environment for patients to tell the truth, it becomes easier to open up. Asking them how THEY feel about their bodies puts them in the driver’s seat, which, spoiler alert, they always were and are. Asking it this way shows you acknowledge that fact, which can shortcut their recovery process by eons.

5. There is no one WAY to recover.

Insurance sure thinks so though! Weight regulation is one of the top predictors of “recovery,” a.k.a. not needing insurance reimbursement any longer. No one recovers from eating disorders the same way, however, the closer someone gets to getting cut off from treatment, the more nervous they get, and can easily relapse, simply because they may be medically ready, but not psychologically. Some people will need treatment their whole life, whereas others fully recover and move forward with a healthy life and a healthy relationship with food. Medical signs and symptoms can be misleading, as labs and the body mass index of a person with a severe eating disorder can often be within normal limits. 

Again, make sure to add it to your assessment. “How do you FEEL about your body, in general.”

If you or someone you love has an eating disorder, it’s important to make sure you understand the dangers and the importance of treatment. Whether it’s bulimia, anorexia, binge eating disorder, or something else, these are serious illnesses. 

Full recovery from Anorexia Nervosa is very painful, if even attempted.  Our recovery industry in this country is dropping the ball for many reasons, but the overarching issue, is that they are following standards that insurance companies will pay for. If these standards worked, we wouldn’t have the recidivism rates we do. The numbers don’t lie, and there is nothing to challenge the current approach to treating this massively complex disease, because insurance will not pay for it. I was able to build a 10+ year clinic with less than 6% recidivism rate BASED on everything I knew wasn’t happening in traditional treatment.  What a shock that the gold standards of eating disorder treatment which I was not following correlated to a T with how much insurance would pay.  
The way private insurance actually works, and the way they make money is by charging their members monthly premiums, and then only paying out what they think will cost them the least. For instance a $25 gym membership seems like an inexpensive way to prevent heart disease, but over the course of 40 years this comes out to be $12,000. To resuscitate a heart attack (2019) comes to an average of $1,958.90 (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4746039/). The math becomes really easy to understand how eating disorder treatment standards could easily come down in order to circumnavigate insurance payouts. Scary thought.
So the real cost to treat the medical complications of Anorexia Nervosa, which is still deemed a mental illness is astronomical. If we place the highest mortality rate on a mental illness, year after year it comes out to be Anorexia Nervosa (https://www.nimh.nih.gov/about/directors/thomas-insel/blog/2012/spotlight-on-eating-disorders.shtml). 
The reasoning for the high death rate in this mental illness is mostly due to MEDICAL issues that stem from the disorder, metabolic collapse, and starvation. But treatment is only paid for by the mental health side of an insurance plan, unless they need medical resuscitation for a heart attack, again, an easy $1,958.90. This is more than fully covered in order to avoid the cost of inpatient treatment. The average cost in 2015 was $54,932 per admission and a mean length of stay of 37.9 days (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4565171/). 
This comes out to be $1,449.39 per patient per DAY! When anorexic patients needed more treatment than 37.9 days, as the usual length for full recovery at our clinic was 1-year, the insurance companies would cut off payments, because, at this rate it would cost the insurance companies $529,028.50 per patient, and that’s FIVE years ago. I understand how traditional treatment HAD to adopt to insurance payment standards in order to continue getting paid. It’s not greedy, it’s what it costs. You would find families mortgaging their homes in order to pay for adequate treatment time for their child. 
Caught between a rock and a hard place at my clinic, once insurance ran out, we ended up paying for our patients, until we closed because we could no longer afford to be open. There was NO way I was going to let someone just relapse because their insurance ran out. Our best outcomes were the people who spent an average of one year with us, and it had to be THEIR recovery, not our “program.” Our patients made their OWN recovery plan, and we supported them in executing it. The results were astonishing. People got better. Yes, we had to pay out of our own pockets to keep this ship running, but I was going to do that until we ran out of money. So we closed once we couldn’t support the clinic any longer.
Had we followed traditional standards of treatment, I KNEW we would just be contributing to the problem, just to get reimbursement for suboptimal care. I don’t blame treatment centers for giving all the care they’re allowed to but remaining not enough, because they actually can’t afford to, whereas I was audited because they were paying and I was getting better results. Good results are expensive, I get it, but insurance companies don’t make money with prevention, or adequate treatment. They make money by doing the minimum treatment, denying claims, and collecting premiums. If our treatment and industry standards continue to circumnavigate the globe of insurance payouts, we will continue to see full relapse rates of 35 – 41% when released from inpatient treatment on the schedule of the insurance companies. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5017136/
What people with Anorexia Nervosa need in treatment is time (and autonomy, but we’ll talk about that later), and right now it’s too expensive.

I’d love your insights on this if you’re willing to share your stories.*If you need support NOW, feel free to reach out to me!*

Email Scarlett:
SRO@ScarlettRameyOfficial.com
Text Scarlett:
(206) 910-8690

If you are looking for more support in your journey to Recovery and Life, I would be honored if you became a Ramey Nutrition Insider

You’ll find fun fun support tools and freebies in my first email!
YES! I Want In!

If you’re into it, feel free to share this with any other people in your support circle that you KNOW need to hear these words!

Yours in love and support,

Scarlett Ramey, MS, RDN, CD

P.S. Hope to see you in the comments. Let’s rally together during this time and stay connected in supporting YOUR Recovery journey.  The world deserves the BEST of you.♥️

Is it MY fault my daughter has an eating disorder?

Maybe. If you genuinely want the worst for your daughter’s future.

I’ll write another blog about these special people, as they actually exist, but this is a blog assuming the above is false about you. Then why does YOUR daughter have an eating disorder, and is it your fault?

Let’s just get to the TRUTH of it. Through science, genes, parenting, modeling, protection, and a host of other connections between mothers and daughters with eating disorders, there are so many that cannot be controlled by you as a mother, but involve you.  Below are the strongest factors that come into play as a mother of a daughter with an eating disorder. You might be the strongest factor for WHY she has an eating disorder, but preventing these things is nearly impossible, and the role you as mother get to play can be heroic for your daughter’s long lasting recovery.

We know through the research that there IS a connection between mothers with body image issues or full on disordered eating and their daughters having the predisposition to acquiring the same issues.  “. . .daughters of anorexic mothers often also develop an eating disorder (Zerwas et al., 2012).”  There are so many reasons for this that have NOTHING to do with mothers having one iota of malintent. Here are a few:

1.  You passed on your genetics.

You can never change the genes you were born with from being passed on to your daughter, if they are going to be. The specific gene here is one that makes BOTH you and your daughter, at any time in either of your lives very sensitive to the environment. This idea that you both tend to FEEL things much more intensely than others, or what is generally expected is more common that passing on your eye color. This sensitivity gene has what’s called a predisposition to eating disorders in general. We know that genetics of other addictions are passed down, making it much more difficult for children of alcoholics to drink in moderation. The same thing goes for children of sensitive mothers. It’s a genetic predisposition, you don’t have a choice in, or get to change. The gene may or may not turn on in your daughter, but she is predisposed by just having the same genetics.

What you CAN do:

Talk to your daughter about her natural sensitivity in a way that empowers her. She has a gene that will allow her to feel things before anyone ever knows what is happening. Treat her sensitivity like a super power, and teach her healthy coping skills, as her super power also has the ability to make her hurt more than normal, or feel much more anxious in emotional situations. The more you can empower her sensitivity superpower, and create an environment where it’s safe for her to tell you the truth, the easier it will be for her to keep that predisposition gene switched off.

2.  You never were diagnosed with your own issues.

The clinical diagnosis of most eating disorders has honestly been very recent, before you were a mother, most likely. If you look back to how we grew up, with gender expectations being what they were, it was just normal to worry about weight, discuss it, and be on the consistent cultural quest to “fix” any body flaws showing. With innocent, but unhealthy encouragement by parents, and the threat of bullying classmates, there wasn’t a lot of mental health acknowledgement or understanding, let alone protection from this overwhelming feeling to be the perfect young woman. It was a cultural norm growing up, to diet, research beauty advice, and then, at the end of the day, make it all look effortless.  My point is that, as a mother, you were raised with all of these beliefs as norms, meaning that anything that may have affected you in a negative way was NEVER addressed! How are you supposed to raise a mentally stable daughter if you never knew your issues were damaging? This is another piece of the puzzle that you cannot change, and are NOT at fault for. By now, those issues may have turned into a full blown eating disorder, without you even KNOWING it. This is where I need you to be GENTLE with yourself. You have ALWAYS been the best mother you knew how to be, and this is the reason you’re not at fault, but can ALSO be the HERO as amazing role model in your daughter’s recovery.

What you CAN do:

Get on her side. Talk to her about the issues you went through that made you feel less than or incomplete. Include the weight issues you had and how your mother addressed you with HER issues of weight. Let your daughter know you are doing the best to support her, and that you know you still have issues. You and your daughter are in this together, and you will be the strength she needs as she moves through this recovery. It might be helpful for YOU to start getting therapy for any issues you still feel haunted by that you don’t want to pass on.

3.  Your daughter knows EVERYTHING.

When your daughter is blessed/cursed with a high level of sensitivity, please understand, you will NEVER be able to hide your body image beliefs. She sees it all, and without understanding it, can FEEL your discomfort with your own body.  You’d NEVER be this role model she sees if you had a choice, and would do ANYTHING to protect her from feeling insecure about her own physicality.  The problem with this protection of your daughter from your own insecurities about your own body, is she sees right through it all. Upsettingly, she has no idea what the meaning of what she sees in you is, she just FEELS something is off. This is where your issues as hidden as you’d like to keep them can be dangerous to your daughter without you ever intending them to be. She notices everything you’d like her NOT to notice. The chemical relationship a daughter has with her mother is that of modeling. In other words, you are teaching her how to feel about her body ONLY by showing her how you feel about YOURS. This can make ANY mother feel like everything she does, feels, or experiences is now under a microscope, and overanalyzed on a consistent basis, but that’s only because it is. So there really is no way you can avoid this, as you might at some point have a negative thought about yourself (how DARE you!) and your daughter might notice it.

What you CAN do:

I feel like a broken record here, but the more you can talk with your daughter about the realities of how a normal woman can feel low, down, or insecure about herself, and healthy ways to cope with these feelings, the more empowered your daughter will be when she DOES notice you step on your own emotional egg shells. Allow her to come to you with things she notices you doing, and remind her that being a woman is not about avoiding negativity, but being gentle with it, and working through it. Ask her how it feels when she notices you down on yourself. Ask her how she relates it to her own life, and how the two of you can work through all of these REAL feelings together, to create a mother daughter bond that allows you both to be, well, human.

I truly believe support for parents should be ALL over the internet, but I just don’t find anything concrete that is actually helpful.

If you’d like more resources on how to support your daughter, email me, or text me at SRO@ScarlettRameyOfficial.com or (206) 910-8690.

Wherever she is on her journey to RECOVERY, I’m with both of you all the way! Keep it up, sweet ones!

If you are looking for more support in Recovery and Life, I would be honored if you became a Ramey Nutrition Insider.  You’ll find fun fun support tools and freebies in my first email!

To subscribe https://mailchi.mp/scarlettrameyofficial/rameynutritioninsiders

If you’re into it, feel free to share this with any other Moms you KNOW need to hear these words!

Yours in love and support,

Scarlett Ramey, MS, RDN, CD

P.S. Hope to see you in the comments. Let’s rally together during this time and stay connected in supporting the Recovery journey.  The world deserves the BEST of your daughter AND you.♥️

There is so much advice out there for parents and loved ones supporting their teen in recovery, but it feels as though it’s all very specific. Everything from micromanaging meal plans to completely avoidance of anything treatment related (leave it all to the professionals). Trying to discern how your teen is doing, whether the ed voice is talking or not, seems like a pretty big job for any parent. Personally I believe it’s all one voice, your teen’s. Here are some overriding tips that can be used in almost all situations, so that you don’t have to become an expert on your teen’s eating disorder, or figure out which possessed voice is speaking.

1.  Give recovery the room to move forward.

As your teen or young adult starts to recover, there are going to be many things you find concerning. We have to remember this is what he/she is WORKING on. We need to give recovery a wide berth to allow it to move forward. If we catch it on a bad day, and decide your kid cannot recover, it’s like selling when the stock market dips. Give it time, as it will take at LEAST a year. Your role is to be strong and supportive with love for them, not try and fix the concerning things you see. We MUST allow them to struggle, and come out of these difficult situations victoriously. This is the work, this is the process of recovery. Give them the room to move forward.

2.  Hear the pain, leave the details.

These eating disorders are usually super confusing to anyone not in the industry. Please remember you are their largest form of support BECAUSE you DON’T have an intimate knowledge in their issue. Your love and support will be most felt, when you can admit this to them. Be in a place where you can witness their pain and leave the details behind.

Example:

Teen: I just purged and I feel so guilty, I know you made that dinner with love, and I know I shouldn’t purge.

Instead of your first response: What?! You’re purging again?! I didn’t even see you! Should I lock the bathroom doors, or not serve that anymore?!

Try: I can see you’re in pain, and I want to know more about what you’re going through, so I can support you the way you’ll feel my love and support. Tell me more about why you feel guilty. Let’s put the judgement aside about what you think your recovery is all about, and focus on the pain you’re feeling right now.

3.  The pain is their work, and it will subside.

Remember there will be a lot of pain. A LOT. For a LONG time. You are there to witness and support their process. They NEED the pain to move forward with meaningful recovery, it’s just the truth. To help fix the pain, would be making the recovery process longer, as they will eventually have to face it. Just as in Tip #2, we need to remain loving and curious about what they’re feeling. Saying, “How can I support you?” or, “Do you need anything?” are a little overwhelming to someone in pain. Weirdly, if you can say, “Think about what support looks like for you, and let me know when it comes to you.” This helps them feel like they are not on the spot, and gives them their time to really reflect. If they are allowed to work through their pain, they WILL recover. The pain will eventually subside, but it’s strongest when they begin the process of recovery.

Support for parents should be ALL over the internet, but I just don’t find anything concrete that is actually helpful.

If you’d like more resources on how to support your teen or young adult, email me at SRO@ScarlettRameyOfficial.com

Wherever you are on your journey to RECOVERY, I’m with you all the way! Keep it up, sweet ones!
If you are looking for more support in YOUR Recovery and Life, I would be honored if you became a Ramey Nutrition Insider.

You’ll find fun fun support freebies in my first email! To subscribe https://mailchi.mp/scarlettrameyofficial/rameynutritioninsiders 
If you’re into it, feel free to share this with someone you KNOW needs to hear these words!

Yours in love and support,

Scarlett Ramey

P.S. Hope to see you in the comments. Let’s rally together during this time and stay connected in supporting YOUR Recovery journey.  The world deserves the BEST of you.♥️

We have it drilled into our heads that an eating disorder is about our behaviors (use and abuse) around food. Once we stop binging, purging, over-exercising, restricting, taking laxatives or diuretics, we are recovered. It would seem that stopping the behaviors of an eating disorder would mean the same as an alcoholic stopping drinking, or a drug addict arresting her drug use. Why are eating disorders placed in the same category as addictive substances we can CHOOSE to never use again? We NEVER have to drink alcohol or use drugs to stay alive, and we DO have to eat 3-6 times per DAY, just to sustain life. So why put eating disorders in the same category? 

Recovering from an eating disorder can be much more difficult at times because,

• Food is legal
• We need food to live
• The chemical reactions within the body when using eating disorder behaviors ARE as addictive as drugs or alcohol.

So due to these differences from addiction recovery, we need to take eating disorder recovery MUCH more seriously than we currently do.  If it were similar, it would be like telling a drug addict/alcoholic they had to consume JUST enough drugs/alcohol every day to never get high or drunk ever again, but that they’d have to face it AND use it daily. This would be unheard of! Yet we expect people to recover from an addiction just as painful and still eat enough to support life. 

We expect them to eat enough to become so anxious, they feel like jumping off a bridge, and then we end up telling them to breathe or journal. I hope I’m getting this point across that we need better tools when we expect these sweet folks to do the impossible. 

We often tell people to journal to calm down, however the journaling, if any, often happens at a time when they are trying to figure out why they just USED an eating disorder behavior.  Spoiler alert, you’ll NEVER “figure it out” this way. We can only find answers by tapping into the anxiety when it’s at its highest point. This is usually RIGHT before an eating disorder behavior is used. You know that itching burning desire to use a behavior? It feels like you’ll crawl out of your skin if you don’t? Yes, THAT’S the one. This is the time we need to get MOST curious, and this is also the time your mind will be most filled with issues you haven’t named. Time for a “Free Write Insight” worksheet! 

This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, and another spoiler alert, you’ll NEVER feel like doing it. There are SO many worksheets to distract yourself for enough time that the urge to use behaviors goes away, but how many times can you do the same distracting worksheet just to stop yourself from relieving your anxiety?

As an eating disorder professional, I couldn’t STAND this, so I wrote my own. This sheet assumes you’ll probably end up using behaviors and has NO intention of distracting you from doing this. This explores the crazy feelings that are so overwhelming RIGHT before a behavior is used. The cool thing is that NOW, if you end up using behaviors, you’ll have a MUCH deeper insight into yourself, and what might be the root of it all.  

This can all be discussed with your therapist at a later time. Without this level of anxiety, this worksheet is useless. And trying to figure it out any other time is rough, because in your right mind, you’d never do these things and are baffled by the fact that you get so overwhelmed that you resort to using and abusing food.

Try this next time you feel the overwhelm, immediately before the use of any eating disorder behavior. We might as well learn something if the behaviors are going to come anyway. 

Wherever you are on your journey to RECOVERY, I’m with you all the way! Keep it up, sweet ones!

If you are looking for more support in YOUR Recovery and Life, I would be honored if you became a Ramey Nutrition Insider. You’ll find fun fun support freebies in my first email! To subscribe https://mailchi.mp/scarlettrameyofficial/rameynutritioninsiders
If you’re into it, feel free to share this with someone you KNOW needs to hear these words!

Yours in love and support,

Scarlett Ramey

P.S. Hope to see you in the comments. Let’s rally together during this time and stay connected in supporting YOYE Recovery journey.  The world deserves the BEST of you.♥️

Trigger Warning: Do not read ANY farther!

Whew! Now that we got THAT out of the way, let’s get real. I was, just last night, told I had no education on how to support others in recovery because I used the word, “over,” in relation to weight restoration, as it pertains to refeeding someone with an eating disorder. What?! The only thing I could think in that “Twilight Zone” moment, was that this person should probably NEVER go outside, as life is going to be the most RUDE awakening for her! 

Triggers Exist. Everywhere.

I am truly scared for these folks because life, if we’re honest with ourselves, is really one big trigger after another. With the demand that their environment conform to support their avoidance of upset feelings, this is just going to be an uphill battle for the rest of their lives. If we wait for life to become fair, politically correct, or to avoid offending anyone, we actually GET to stay in fear. Maybe that is the choice we must allow these folks to make.

I think (at least for me), that we try too hard to want recovery for people who may not want it. So much so, that we PUSH it on them. When someone says they are triggered, offended, or blames us for the stigma that “keeps them sick,” take a HINT! They want you to take your recovery support and free help, and shove it! 

Compassion for the Trigger-phobics

Please understand the most caring thing you can do is gently back away. Do not argue with them, don’t even ATTEMPT at logical discussion. You are talking to a fearful person, and if you’ve ever been there, and I know you have, you know what it’s like to not even WANT to listen to logic.  Also, TRY not to take it personally. People struggling with eating disorders tend to be VERY sensitive, which makes them pretty talented at finding and pushing the buttons that make people engage in discussion. Your engagement validates that the world is an uncaring place, and they shouldn’t have to engage in it with people like YOU, mulling around.

You’ll find they tear you to shreds, and then be “highly offended” you wrote the word, “over” on the internet, where they could be harmed and exposed. If their illness continues to be someone else’s fault, they only have to argue for their own sickness. As long as they continue validating that the media, internet, or the word, “over,” in relation to someone else’s medical condition, is the reason they simply CANNOT attempt recovery, they don’t have to do the hard work. 

Hopefully this reaches my folks who truly want to do the awful work of recovery, including endure a trigger at seemingly every turn. I’m so proud of you for facing your own demons and fighting through them to YOUR recovery.
Wherever you are on your journey to RECOVERY I’m with you all the way! Keep it up, sweet ones!

If you are looking for more support in YOUR Recovery and Life, I would be honored if you became a Ramey Nutrition Insider.

You’ll find fun fun support freebies in my first email! To subscribe https://mailchi.mp/scarlettrameyofficial/rameynutritioninsiders
If you’re into it, feel free to share this with someone you KNOW needs to hear these words!

Yours in love and support,

Scarlett Ramey

P.S. Hope to see you in the comments. Let’s rally together during this time and stay connected in supporting YOYE Recovery journey.  The world deserves the BEST of you.♥️

There’s not usually a lot of confusion around whether or not you’re restoring weight in eating disorder recovery, as it tends to come on like a Mack TRUCK! The body does NOT screw around when food is reintroduced to a body who has been put through the ringer of ANY eating disorder. We tend to think the body as being kind of inconsiderate to our psyche, as it restores without our input, direction or desired speed. If it were up to my patients and they could choose how their bodies put on the weight, you wouldn’t BELIEVE the elaborate plans you’d hear!  

Anyone who has EVER struggled with an eating disorder is naturally very sensitive, and they like to KNOW what they can expect, if change MUST occur. Reading through all the questions I received, I had to ask, “Didn’t anyone tell you what would happen so you could be ready?!” The answer was a resounding, “No. . .”The reasoning for this spanned from, assuming the discussion would lead to triggers, to the fear that the information would keep them from recovering. 

Really?! Ok, let’s surprise them with weird and unusual weight gain, that’ll work!

Well, my patients are ridiculously smart, so I’m going to throw down some science, and “OUT” some of the secrets of weight gain. Not only do I believe you DESERVE to know what’s coming (or, for some of you, what’s already happening), I believe you’ll be able to understand the mechanics in order to get through this part of your OWN recovery, damnit! Ok forgive my rant.

Weight Restoration Must Happen

All eating disorders have to weight restore, I promise, it’s just the truth. In anorexia nervous, we understand why they have to restore. But what about bulimia, binge eating, EDNOS, diabulimia, or any disorder in which the individual is at or above a normal weight for height?  Restoring weight in eating disorder recovery truly means restoring what the body needs to LIVE. Regardless of body weight, people who struggle with eating disorders almost ALL attempt food restriction at some frequency. I see it throughout all the threads:

• “I binged last night, so I didn’t eat X meal.”
• “I binge and purge all day, tomorrow I’m not eating anything.”
• “I took my insulin, so I’m definitely not eating.”

Even the ATTEMPT to restrict as often as people do, takes its toll on the body. You may see a normal, or above normal weight on the scale, but the weight of your vital organs will eventually deteriorate to compensate for the consistent restricting attempts.

There is no reason to make someone overweight in recovery, but the body needs some time to trust that you’ll give it the nutrients it needs to regrow organ tissue (SPOILER ALERT! It will always take longer than you’d like). It may need to hold onto some weight before it lets go. 

Imagine a dirty abused toddler on the street. You give him a brand new soft teddy bear. Then you rip it out of his arms because he, “doesn’t or shouldn’t need it.” You’d NEVER do that! 

Can we just back off the body, then? It gets to hold on for a minute, until IT feels safe to let go. It doesn’t need the extra weight just like the toddler doesn’t need the bear, but it helps until it trusts you again. Be gentle. It’s been through ALL the ups and downs of wondering when it’ll be fed next, how much, and if you’ll just take it all away later. Give it the teddy bear right now. 

• What can you do right now to be gentle with your body’s needs?
• How can you get consistent so your body can begin to trust you again?
• What realistic support can you ask for to help you do these very difficult things? 

Comment below, and you have all my love and support through this.

If you’re into it, share with a friend who might need this, and become a Ramey Nutrition Insider to get the best of what we’ve got!

In traditional treatment for people recovering from an eating disorder, distracting is recommended consistently for a multitude of reasons. The National Eating Disorder Association recommends this technique when the urge to use eating disorder behaviors arrives, when you feel lonely on holidays, and even as a tool for loved ones to support by “distracting you.” They recommend distracting yourself from consuming media, and avoiding triggers. This is, sadly, the #1 resource out there for people to gain information about eating disorders. 

Now, how do you think eating disorders develop in the FIRST place? Sweet sensitive souls try to avoid the pain of loneliness/holidays/trauma, and distract themselves with disordered eating behaviors. The answer of distraction from feeling pain is in fact just ANOTHER disorder. Here are three reasons distracting doesn’t work when trying to recover from an eating disorder, and what you can do instead.

1.  It doesn’t work long term.

When you distract yourself from an eating disorder behavior, by, let’s say, taking a walk, you are postponing the feeling BENEATH the urge to use behaviors. This only lasts for the duration of the walk and maybe a little longer, until the pain inevitably returns.

What to Do Instead!

When ANY urge comes over you, like this: explore it. Urges to “distract” using your eating disorder are waves of pain with SO much information. Use my Free Write Insight Worksheet right in the moment of the urge. This worksheet is SO different than a distracting worksheet as it gets to the feelings BENEATH the urge, so these urges can be handled in that moment, or used for next time.

2.  It assumes you CAN’T handle your own feelings.

If you must distract yourself in order to avoid using behaviors, this assumes you can’t handle the feelings under the urges to use. It assumes weakness in a population you can’t find MORE able to handle pain. It creates a situation where you compulsively are doing something else, you otherwise would not do in order to avoid behaviors EACH moment? That’s a LOT of distracting.

What to Do Instead!

Say out loud, or YELL: 

“This is NOT about the food!” 
“Something REAL inside me is hurting right NOW!”
“I deserve to KNOW what my REAL feelings are.”
“I can HANDLE what’s beneath this.”

Then, get out the worksheet and start exploring your REAL feelings, RIGHT in that moment.

3.  It keeps you from seeing your REAL successes in recovery.

Again, this is YOUR recovery, not a handbook you follow. These are YOUR urges to explore, and because they are yours, they deserve exploration! If all you can do is distract yourself from media, behaviors, or any painful feelings, how can we celebrate you getting THROUGH the tough pain? I want so badly to celebrate your path, because it’s yours. That INCLUDES the pain, the behaviors, and the fighting THROUGH them, not running away.

What to Do Instead!

Keep a seperate journal JUST for your courageous moments. Running away from behaviors is not courageous. . . Any time a GIANT feeling comes up that you actually acknowledge, and work through, write in THIS journal what your experience was like, and why you believe you were able to do it in THIS moment. When you feel down, or discouraged, simply whip out this masterpiece, and flip to any page that inspires you to keep moving on YOUR path. 

You are SO dang strong. All the work, all the pain, and all the feelings. You CAN get through these, and when you need support reach out! We are always here for YOU.

Scarlett Ramey

People have been resistant to eating disorder treatment for as long as I can remember, however, recently, these numbers have become astronomical. Especially for those who have gone to treatment in the past. 

Doctors, counselors and other health care professionals — as well as the general public — need to know why people don’t seek help for eating disorders, according to the study authors.
They said young adults should be provided with more information about the severity and impact of eating disorders, how symptoms can get worse without treatment, and the importance of seeking help and learning self-management strategies. –International Journal of Eating Disorders

Why is this? The industry is finally taking a look at the reasoning, and polling people in treatment. Well there is a definite fallacy in polling anyone who is IN treatment. Think about it. If a restaurant polled you while you were eating as to why you’re not coming in as frequently, the general public would probably resort to lies. 

“I’ve been uh…. busy.” “We didn’t know you were open….” “We’ve been trying to cut back on our budget…..” etc.

None of these things are the truth, so why is it that we don’t say, “You’re food really sucks, and I can’t stand the service.” We don’t want to make anyone feel bad. Now why would any of this be different with one of the most sensitive populations in the psychiatric world? Even those they polled who are not in treatment would say the same things as a majority. 

“I didn’t want to be a burden….” “I uh… didn’t know it was that bad.” etc.

None of these are even close to the truth either. Why would they be? The studies take these excuses to not seek treatment as the truth, and then conclude that people need more education on the severity eating disorders can have on their physical and mental wellbeing. No one is more of an expert on ALL of these things like a person struggling with an eating disorder. It is RARE to find a patient who has not read up on everything about their disorder.

The truth is they hate the food and the service sucks. I hate to be so blunt about this, but it’s what almost ALL of my patients have said as their reasoning for not seeking traditional treatment. They don’t “get it,” is the reasoning I get in some form or another. A direct quote from one of my patients, blessed by the whole program at one time wrote:

It’s like they don’t get it. We know so much more than they ever will about food, the body, and what the consequences of our disorders are. We are the ones LIVING with them for God’s sake! We could educate THEM, on the biochemistry of how we survive. The only people who really understand are the ones without an ego, ready to look up from their incorrect text books, and are willing to listen to us about what we can teach them about how to support us and what we actually need.

Ramey Nutrition was an actual clinic in Seattle, WA from 2007-2018. I BASED the clinic’s philosophy on the above statement. My patients needed to be in charge, not have their control taken away. We continue this today on our online portal to support people the way THEY know they need support, and are excited to be able to support effectively throughout this time that people are needing it most.  

If we can listen to the information our patients can give us, we can learn encyclopedias about the REALITIES of what they need. If they think we’ll never change as an industry, why would they even attempt to give us the truth?

For more information, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Thank you, and all my best!

Scarlett Ramey, MS, RDN, CD

SRO@ScarlettRameyOfficial.com

(206) 910-8690)