Is it MY fault my daughter has an eating disorder?
Maybe. If you genuinely want the worst for your daughter’s future.
I’ll write another blog about these special people, as they actually exist, but this is a blog assuming the above is false about you. Then why does YOUR daughter have an eating disorder, and is it your fault?
Let’s just get to the TRUTH of it. Through science, genes, parenting, modeling, protection, and a host of other connections between mothers and daughters with eating disorders, there are so many that cannot be controlled by you as a mother, but involve you. Below are the strongest factors that come into play as a mother of a daughter with an eating disorder. You might be the strongest factor for WHY she has an eating disorder, but preventing these things is nearly impossible, and the role you as mother get to play can be heroic for your daughter’s long lasting recovery.
We know through the research that there IS a connection between mothers with body image issues or full on disordered eating and their daughters having the predisposition to acquiring the same issues. “. . .daughters of anorexic mothers often also develop an eating disorder (Zerwas et al., 2012).” There are so many reasons for this that have NOTHING to do with mothers having one iota of malintent. Here are a few:
1. You passed on your genetics.
You can never change the genes you were born with from being passed on to your daughter, if they are going to be. The specific gene here is one that makes BOTH you and your daughter, at any time in either of your lives very sensitive to the environment. This idea that you both tend to FEEL things much more intensely than others, or what is generally expected is more common that passing on your eye color. This sensitivity gene has what’s called a predisposition to eating disorders in general. We know that genetics of other addictions are passed down, making it much more difficult for children of alcoholics to drink in moderation. The same thing goes for children of sensitive mothers. It’s a genetic predisposition, you don’t have a choice in, or get to change. The gene may or may not turn on in your daughter, but she is predisposed by just having the same genetics.
What you CAN do:
Talk to your daughter about her natural sensitivity in a way that empowers her. She has a gene that will allow her to feel things before anyone ever knows what is happening. Treat her sensitivity like a super power, and teach her healthy coping skills, as her super power also has the ability to make her hurt more than normal, or feel much more anxious in emotional situations. The more you can empower her sensitivity superpower, and create an environment where it’s safe for her to tell you the truth, the easier it will be for her to keep that predisposition gene switched off.
2. You never were diagnosed with your own issues.
The clinical diagnosis of most eating disorders has honestly been very recent, before you were a mother, most likely. If you look back to how we grew up, with gender expectations being what they were, it was just normal to worry about weight, discuss it, and be on the consistent cultural quest to “fix” any body flaws showing. With innocent, but unhealthy encouragement by parents, and the threat of bullying classmates, there wasn’t a lot of mental health acknowledgement or understanding, let alone protection from this overwhelming feeling to be the perfect young woman. It was a cultural norm growing up, to diet, research beauty advice, and then, at the end of the day, make it all look effortless. My point is that, as a mother, you were raised with all of these beliefs as norms, meaning that anything that may have affected you in a negative way was NEVER addressed! How are you supposed to raise a mentally stable daughter if you never knew your issues were damaging? This is another piece of the puzzle that you cannot change, and are NOT at fault for. By now, those issues may have turned into a full blown eating disorder, without you even KNOWING it. This is where I need you to be GENTLE with yourself. You have ALWAYS been the best mother you knew how to be, and this is the reason you’re not at fault, but can ALSO be the HERO as amazing role model in your daughter’s recovery.
What you CAN do:
Get on her side. Talk to her about the issues you went through that made you feel less than or incomplete. Include the weight issues you had and how your mother addressed you with HER issues of weight. Let your daughter know you are doing the best to support her, and that you know you still have issues. You and your daughter are in this together, and you will be the strength she needs as she moves through this recovery. It might be helpful for YOU to start getting therapy for any issues you still feel haunted by that you don’t want to pass on.
3. Your daughter knows EVERYTHING.
When your daughter is blessed/cursed with a high level of sensitivity, please understand, you will NEVER be able to hide your body image beliefs. She sees it all, and without understanding it, can FEEL your discomfort with your own body. You’d NEVER be this role model she sees if you had a choice, and would do ANYTHING to protect her from feeling insecure about her own physicality. The problem with this protection of your daughter from your own insecurities about your own body, is she sees right through it all. Upsettingly, she has no idea what the meaning of what she sees in you is, she just FEELS something is off. This is where your issues as hidden as you’d like to keep them can be dangerous to your daughter without you ever intending them to be. She notices everything you’d like her NOT to notice. The chemical relationship a daughter has with her mother is that of modeling. In other words, you are teaching her how to feel about her body ONLY by showing her how you feel about YOURS. This can make ANY mother feel like everything she does, feels, or experiences is now under a microscope, and overanalyzed on a consistent basis, but that’s only because it is. So there really is no way you can avoid this, as you might at some point have a negative thought about yourself (how DARE you!) and your daughter might notice it.
What you CAN do:
I feel like a broken record here, but the more you can talk with your daughter about the realities of how a normal woman can feel low, down, or insecure about herself, and healthy ways to cope with these feelings, the more empowered your daughter will be when she DOES notice you step on your own emotional egg shells. Allow her to come to you with things she notices you doing, and remind her that being a woman is not about avoiding negativity, but being gentle with it, and working through it. Ask her how it feels when she notices you down on yourself. Ask her how she relates it to her own life, and how the two of you can work through all of these REAL feelings together, to create a mother daughter bond that allows you both to be, well, human.
I truly believe support for parents should be ALL over the internet, but I just don’t find anything concrete that is actually helpful.
If you’d like more resources on how to support your daughter, email me, or text me at SRO@ScarlettRameyOfficial.com or (206) 910-8690.
Wherever she is on her journey to RECOVERY, I’m with both of you all the way! Keep it up, sweet ones!
If you are looking for more support in Recovery and Life, I would be honored if you became a Ramey Nutrition Insider. You’ll find fun fun support tools and freebies in my first email!
To subscribe https://mailchi.mp/scarlettrameyofficial/rameynutritioninsiders
If you’re into it, feel free to share this with any other Moms you KNOW need to hear these words!
Yours in love and support,
Scarlett Ramey, MS, RDN, CD
P.S. Hope to see you in the comments. Let’s rally together during this time and stay connected in supporting the Recovery journey. The world deserves the BEST of your daughter AND you.♥️