It could be the largest understatement in the WORLD to say that people with eating disorders struggle more during the Holidays. Eating disorder recovery through the Holidays can increase anxiety and feel like mental torture. Combining all the “unknowns” can become overwhelming.
The sheer amount of food, fear foods, and expectations from yourself and others to eat “normally” can throw off your recovery game all too easily. Throw in the guests that haven’t seen you in a year, have expectations about what you should/shouldn’t look like, and/or don’t know you’re struggling, and a root canal suddenly seems better than heading off to a Holiday gathering.
It’s also TOTALLY common for people to discuss food, diets, and weight during the Holidays, all while surrounded by high calorie and festive Holiday food. Combine that with guests we haven’t seen in a year who begin a conversation with how you look, and I’m surprised you’re not hiding in the bathtub right now. Just the thought of taking on the Holidays with an eating disorder can feel crippling. The thoughts start to race, and the monkeys in your head all start to scream long before the events begin.
Who is going to be there?
What will they think about my body?
Will they say anything to me about my body?
What do I say when people ask what I’m up to?
When will we have to eat?
What will I have to eat?
What should I eat?
What can I get away with?
Who will be watching?
What if they notice me?
What if they think I’m not eating
What if they think I’m eating too much?
How much weight have I gained/lost since EACH of these people has last seen me?
Where should I sit?
When can I leave?
How fast should I eat?
Should I drink alcohol?
How do I lower my anxiety?
What if I have to talk?
How many times can I go to the bathroom without being noticed?
What will they think if I DO go to the bathroom?
What will they say about me if I’m not in the room?
How do I keep from being noticed?
What will they think about what I put on my plate?
Is it too much? Too little?
Etc…..
Do these questions and concerns start going through your head at the mere mention of a Holiday gathering? I get it! Let’s get some practical and powerful tools, and go into these events without compromising your eating disorder recovery through the holidays.
Before the Event
- Check your schedule: You may not even be AVAILABLE! So many of my patients start panicking immediately without even seeing if they are available. We can skip this panic by simply checking your schedule. If you have something that conflicts, this makes the decision super easy! RSVP that you won’t be able to make it due to conflicting plans. Done.
- Decide if you WANT to go: Remember the Holidays are SO busy for everyone, so no one is going to hold it against you if you can’t come. With tons of invites, people EXPECT some of their guests to have other plans. They’re not sitting around disappointed that you can’t come, I promise. If you DO want to go (AKA you love the family, and want to celebrate with them), keep reading.
- Look at what is expected of you: Is this a sit down dinner, cocktail party, costume theme party, block party, small intimate get together, Winter ball? Each have different pressure points, and can be approached differently. If you can plan ahead, you can approach each one in a way that will help preserve your sanity and your eating disorder recovery through the Holidays.
- Do not schedule events without a day between: You’ll need it, so just schedule each event with a whole day after as white space.
- Plan ahead: Plan everything you can control, and forget the rest. The racing thoughts are usually around things you can’t control, like what people will think or say. If we can plan the things we can control, you’ll feel stronger in handling the things you can’t. Things you can control include:
- When you’ll arrive
- What you’ll wear
- What gift you’ll bring
- What you will eat before you go
- When you will leave
- How you will get there
- Who you want to make sure you talk to before you leave
- Prepare a list of things you’ve had fun doing this past year
- Prepare a list of things you’re excited about for the upcoming year
- Practice safe and powerful responses for people who ask about your eating disorder
- Plan out white space the day after
- Anything else you KNOW you can plan ahead, not worry about
During the Event
- Go early: If this is not a sit down dinner, let the party host know you’d love to stop by in your RSVP and that you’ll come early, but you’ll have to leave early. If this IS a sit-down dinner and you feel this would be too much, be sure to let them know you cannot stay for the actual dinner, but wouldn’t miss seeing them, so you’ll be there early.
- Bring a gift: It’s hard to get upset with someone who brings a gift. This doesn’t have to be anything expensive, a simple handwritten card is a beautiful gesture of acknowledging how special you think the host is. It also takes the focus off of you, and puts it on the gift.
- Eat before you go: A full meal would be appropriate, especially if it’s a cocktail party with tons of fear foods as appetisers. Anxiety can run high with having to deal with people you don’t know, being hungry, AND having to do the rocket science of deciding what to eat when you don’t know what food will be there. If this is a sit down dinner party you will be staying for, a snack is appropriate for all the same reasons. Do not go to a party hungry!
- Have your response ready: If asked by anyone, how it’s going with your “issue,” get your response ready, and make sure you’ve practiced it. Here are some examples:
- How’s your recovery going?
- “Good, thank you. How are the kids?!” (You don’t owe them an explanation, or how it’s actually going unless you feel comfortable. Also people love talking about their kids.)
- You look healthy/good/better/great/something positive!
- “Thank you, you as well. How are the kids?!” (That’s all. No explanation. Their intent is good, just thank them. Deflect back to them.)
- I’ve been worried….
- “Thank you, do you have any fun plans this coming year?”
- How’s your recovery going?
- Say a short “Hello!” to safe people: Make it known you’re there, but just barely. That’s where the pre-planned topics about what you had fun with this year, and what you’re excited about the coming year come in handy. Only approach people you feel comfortable with, but at least 3. Ask these 2 questions and then say you’ll be right back. This way people know “you were there” and interested in their lives, even if you don’t stay the whole time.
- Eat what feels comfortable: Remember, we are not at any Holiday party to challenge your meal plan or mental stability. Those are being challenged just by being there. If you ate dinner before you go to a cocktail party, feel free to eat anything that stands out without the pressure to fulfill your meal plan. If you are staying for a sit-down dinner, and ate a snack before you went, load your plate with a normal amount of food you’re willing to eat at least one bite of. Then, eat what you feel comfortable with, and at your own pace. Leave the rest without judgement. This one meal will not make or break your recovery, and if asked, which you probably won’t be, simply say your stomach has been funny today.
- Leave early: Set a time after arriving that you’ll leave. You don’t even have to tell anyone! That’s the magic of talking to 3 people other than the host. “Everyone” saw you. When this time hits, just quietly slip out and consider the party a success.
After the Event
- Do something relaxing: Right when you get home, take a bath, jump under your weighted blanket, put on some reality TV, or do anything that will calm your mind.
- Eat something: If you didn’t get enough dinner (totally ok) make a large snack, or if you ate dinner before, make a snack before going to bed. Remember anxiety takes a lot of energy.
- Write the host a thank you note: The next day, write a small thank you note.
- Take advantage of your white space: Do things the day after that truly feel calming and peaceful. There’s a LOT that has to recover after a Holiday party. The next day is the time to get back to your recovery meal plan, whatever it may be.
I am so proud of you for attempting to celebrate the Holidays AND recover from your eating disorder.
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