We’ve all seen the memes, the quotes about getting the negative people out of your life, as a self care act, and to improve your mental health. This idea can feel like a cleanse, but what if those negative people offered a chance to grow. Growth almost always implies something negative we must face. Can we truly have self growth without the darkness? How deep are our relationships when only the light shines through?

Today we will be inviting the negative people back to see what we can glean from them. Growth is a process we never complete, which sucks, but also feels encouraging as we will always have those negative people in our lives; and it would be nice if we could put them to work.

Let’s talk about the different types of negative people that can be truly healthy for our personal growth.

1.  The One Who Spreads Negativity

Let’s call her Nancy. We all have that friend who just loves to spill the tea, and gossip. Nancy consistently uses negative talk to feel closer or bond to others. Our complaints often show us who our tribe is, and whether someone can be trusted. For example, it begs the question, “Do you hate what I hate?” It might often feel like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place with this person as they only seem to be satisfied with agreement of the negative points, and arguing anything else is a stab in the back.

Now we know 3 things for sure about Nancy. Nancy IS talking behind your back with any intel you provide that is juicy. Nancy is also taking your agreement of any of her negative talk as though you told HER this information, when in fact you may have only nodded your head in listening to her. Nancy thinks if you disagree with her, that you automatically believe the opposite, and will discuss your view with others as though you adamantly stand strong behind something you may purely not be interested in. For example, Nancy asks if you support the current president. You answer that you’re not super into politics. Nancy will then be found telling others that you hate Republicans.

How do we use Nancy for personal development? Attempt to bond with Nancy regarding her own feelings. Instead of a volley, return the issue to her, “How does that make you feel?” Here’s the deal: If you care about Nancy, you would care if she felt sad or upset, but the negativity is so draining it becomes hard to get there, and you feel like it’s all on you.

Instead of joining in, or arguing a point that actually doesn’t even matter to Nancy, rise above the conversation and ask her how it affects her, what she plans to do about it, and if there’s anything you can do to aid in this rough time for HER.

This becomes personal growth for us, because it forces us to rise above the easiest discussion in the world: Gossip. The more we can practice rising above the “issue,” and get to the humanity of the issue, the easier it will be to do next time. This sneaky little trick also makes you boring to Nancy. She will find it less fulfilling to tell you negative things, Bonus!

2.  The Passive Aggressive Friend

We’ll call him Patrick. You know the type, they have an issue with you, but just will not tell you. They underhandedly do things that show they are upset, but seem to have no idea what you’re talking about when you try to bring up the deeper issue. Writing memes, posting on Facebook their real feelings without names, refusing to respond.

The silent treatment, as “silent” as it may seem, is highly aggressive, as you will notice Patrick going out of his way to make it known he is ignoring you. Failure to complete anything entirely that might be asked of them is also a show of passive aggression. Patrick was asked to do the kids’ laundry, and you come back and only one load has been loaded into the washer, lights mixed with darks, without communication of why, or what still needs to be done. How can we improve ourselves with Patrick in our lives?

We practice bringing up the harder issue, and truly hearing possibly negative things about yourself without getting defensive. Understand that Patrick is having a difficult time, regardless, but truly listen without taking it personally, and try to empathize with where he is coming from. Think of a time when you felt what he is feeling: grief, sorrow, betrayal, etc. without defending where you are coming from. Huge growth points if you’re able to do this, and stay close with Patrick.

3.  The ME! ME! ME! Friend

Let’s call her Mimi. This one is really difficult because it’s not outwardly negative. Mimi means well, but wow! Is it hard to keep pushing the compliments.

She tends to be the life of the party, consistently inviting you to the coolest events, and wanting to spend all her time with you. The awesome part? Most loyal friend you’ll find, a real “ride or die.” The down side? You’ll never be a good enough friend, and personal space will NOT be honored. The largest betrayal, though to Mimi, is even the idea of spending time with someone else without her.

The personal growth that Mimi brings to the table? Boundaries! Exciting, I know. Another F&*king Growth Opportunity or AFGO. But if you care for Mimi, it IS important that you draw some pretty clear boundaries. Much harder than cutting her completely out of your life, but a healthy personal growth opportunity for you!

Thanks to Negative Nancy, Passive Aggressive Patrick and ME! ME! Mimi, you can actually grow personally. Personal growth is almost never pretty, but the practice will indefinitely aid in your overall mental health.

The secret is out; it’s been Pinterest’ed, Instagram’ed, put on ten thousand Hobby Lobby plaques and stitched onto as many pillows. “Courage is not the absence of fear.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful and profound. It’s just the tip of the iceberg, though. What about actually doing something while at the same time being afraid? It. Is. Terrifying. And if you’re in recovery from an eating disorder, you are probably doing A LOT of things that scare you every day. While it is exhausting work, know that every recovery decision you make is building your resilience and is going to make each following healthy decision just a little bit easier.

Cultivating Resilience

Resilience grows whenever we do something that challenges us in some way and we continue forward in spite of it. Like a sapling growing on a hillside; the wind blows the tiny limbs around and bends its supple trunk, and as it does, the tree grows stronger and more resilient so that later in life it won’t fall when the wind blows.

The same principle happens when an anorexic patient consumes a fear food, withstands the discomfort and anxiety it may bring up, and then moves on. The fact that he did something that evoked fear, witnessed himself being strong enough to sit through the feelings, and came out of the experience unharmed, creates a new neural pathway. That builds resilience. The old neural pathway “knew” that such-and-such food causes harm, but now we have a new path with new information that says “that food scared me, and I am stronger than that fear.”

Resilience is not circumstance-specific either. The resilience you build at the table in your recovery will branch out to other aspects of your life. These challenging experiences that you conquer will seep into your bones and develop a new confidence, a solidarity in your being that the “wind” won’t be able to shake. As your resilience grows and those new neural pathways become deeper, making recovery-focused decisions becomes easier and begins to feel powerful. 

As eating disorders go unnoticed or tagged as lifestyle choices, they become solidified as such when any celebrity, such as Joaquin Phoenix drops 52 pounds in a matter of weeks for a movie role. With free will, we’ve decided to spend our time reminding anyone struggling to work through this, if triggering, that they are in control of their perception. We help them reframe instead of avoid, as triggers, especially from the media will never get easier.

Joaquin Phoenix’s Weight Loss

We believe that our patients are super powerful and capable of handling media without being controlled by it. As the latest Oscar went to Joaquin Phoenix for a movie he dropped 52 pounds for, claiming that dropping that much weight that fast made him feel mad, and disordered, we thought we’d chime in.

Any dedicated knowing weight loss that is voluntary brings up the question of the chicken or the egg. Can you develop anorexia from extreme weight loss? Is it a result of trauma? Is it because of the media pressure to be thin? Well, upsettingly it’s all of the above, and more. People have fallen into massively disordered thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that become identifying factors simply by extreme and quick weight loss.

Extreme weight loss can, and often does, affect the brain’s neural pathways, causing perception to be normalized to an unnatural weight, along with eating habits that are incompatible with life. With the pressure to lose 52 pounds, Phoenix accepted everything that Joker, the movie incurred. Did the weight loss induce disordered eating? Yes. Does he have an eating disorder from this weight loss? Possibly. Is it Joker’s fault? NO.

The knowing his transformation could cause shifts in his brain chemistry puts him in complete control of his own return to recovery. While losing that much weight over such a short amount of time can induce anorectic tendencies, we still want people to understand that the induction of any eating disorder can truly be genetic, biological, spiritual, environmental, or any combination of the above. With eating disorders there is no rhyme or reason to any of it, as it begins.

The highest rate of induction in my experience has been due to massive transition or trauma, but again, that doesn’t mean that is the end of reasons people end up struggling. The brain can change, brining eating disorder behaviors, or behaviors can change the brain.

At Ramey Nutrition, our experience of how our patients start in theieatingr eating disorders ends up with them unintentionally “falling into patterns,” with good and healthy intentions. When we are in transition or trauma, our genetic coping skills or predisposition to cope allows the genetic factor to turn on, even when previously dormant. The reason we pay minimal attention to avoiding environmental factor is because they are an ever growing trigger, one in which we believe our patients can surmount. So what do we do with this movie? Choices are infinite in this example.

• We can avoid it, which we would recommend, not if you’re triggered by skinny people, but if you’re just not into DC comics.
• We can watch it, and glean meaning beyond his body.
• We can really look at his body. Feel what happens to our own psyche, write about it for 10 minutes, read our writing, and discern how it helps you recover more than if you had never seen it.

For more information on how to get control of your eating disorder, please call or text us at (206) 910-8690 or register here for a FREE Assessment today!

Finding Eating Disorder Treatment for Your Son

As difficult as it is to parent a child with an eating disorder, it becomes an entirely different road with a son who struggles. The idea that the medical professionals directly related to the son, often treat it like a phase, or a different issue (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, etc.), can become maddening. Though you’ve told them repeatedly, “He is afraid of food and eating. I think he has a disorder,” the experience level regarding males who struggle with eating disorders is slim at best (no pun intended).

Finding treatment is difficult, and as a parent, there is an innate desire to “understand,” in order to help. You should NEVER have to understand to get your son examined and assessed for an eating disorder. After multiple visits to her son’s pediatrician, without referral to an eating disorder center, one mother writes the following:

“A few days later my son is distressed. His heart feels strange and he lies on the floor and says he is scared. He admits his eating disorder and wants help. He tries to eat food but it makes him feel worse.

I take him to accident and emergency. He is clearly unwell. He passes out and medical staff appear from every direction. He is given a referral to the eating disorder clinic which specifies he must be seen within four days. But for now, we are sent home.

When the Clinic phones a hospital bed is made available immediately. He will have 24-hour supervision and care. It is very expensive to treat eating disorder patients I am told. I am lucky he is under 18 I am told. We have no treatment available for over 18s I am told. I am rigid with fear. What will happen then?

When I see him he is clearly upset. He tells me they don’t like him because he is a boy. He tells me the person in charge asked him if he had a boyfriend. I say she probably made a mistake. Was used to asking girls that question I say. No he says adamantly. When I said no she said to me “So you’re not gay then”. Males diagnosed with an eating disorder feel shame, not only do they have a stereotypically “female” disorder, they are now assumed to be gay.

My son is not treated like a sick boy, despite being told he is one of the sickest boys they have had here. He is a mental health patient so there is no “poor fella, sorry you are sick”. Eating disorder patients are difficult they say. They are hard work, sneaky and full of tricks to sabotage treatment. They must be watched at all times.

Your child is in the same ward with children who are “legitimately” sick. I know anorexia is a serious disorder, not a choice and deadly at that, however there is an undeniable difference in how my son’s illness is seen by the staff. Pictures of sick, brave children fighting cancer line the walls of the corridors. There are no pictures of sick brave children fighting their eating disorders. I know my child did not choose to be in this state. I know his anorexia descended upon him, took control without invitation. But his disease is seen as self imposed, he is resistant to his treatment, and he is a boy.

Confined to bed and hooked up to heart monitors, now finally begins my son’s road back to health. Food is my child’s medicine and I watch as it becomes apparent that the food entering my child’s mouth brings on suffering that is unimaginable.”

We are trying to shorten the gap between identifying the commencement of any eating disorder for any child/young adult and the proper treatment. For a FREE assessment, please call/text us at (206) 910-8690 or email us at SRO@ScarlettRameyOfficial.com

As a parent in a normal situation, the idea of love insinuates that people generally feel good. Love ends up feeling awful when supporting a loved one through their recovery process. Eating disorder recovery is a nasty process with so many twists and turns, that parenting can seem like a slow descent into the Twilight Zone. If you’ve ever felt a sense of helplessness, (“Nothing I do seems helpful! She is always upset when I try to support her recovery!”) we are here to help.

Parenting a Child with Eating Disorder

As a parent, you have, in my professional opinion, the MOST important role in your son or daughters eating disorder recovery process (aside from your son or daughter). Your role as a parent, supporting your loved one’s recovery, means truly remembering that you are their safe place. Sounds nice, right? WRONG. . .

The nightmare storming through their recovering psyche is maddening. By day, they are expected to live in the outside world feeling completely out of control, and triggered at every turn, all while appearing perfectly in control. As the day progresses, the stimulation wears them down to the proverbial bone, and the only place they end up feeling safe is with you. Expect this release to look entirely irrational, as they release said nightmare, blaming YOU for their feelings of “out of control.”

They will scream obscenities about how you never do anything right. Expect to feel as though you’re letting them down at every turn, and not being supportive with your normal and healthy parenting boundaries. An example below:

• Tuesday night, Mary comes home from school as you’re making dinner, and drops to the ground, exasperated and witnesses you adding butter to the dish as the recipe has always called for (she used to eat this all the time). She panics, as though she has been lit on fire
  • Mary:  “Why would you do that to me?! You know I can’t eat butter, I’ll get fat!!!!!”
  • Parent:  “Honey? We’ve always made it this way, what’s going  on?”
  • Mary:  “You know exactly what’s going on….. you’re TRYING to sneak butter into my dinner to make me FAT! What the F&%k is WRONG WITH YOU?
  • Parent:  . . . Speechless. . .

So where do you even start? Knowing and treating hundreds of individuals struggling with eating disorders, I do know they are genius-level intelligent. This intelligence turns its ugly head into locking you into a corner, and making you question EVERYTHING you thought was right or normal. Many treatment facilities will claim that this is not your daughter/son, it is only the eating disorder talking.

There is absolutely no way to support a child if you think they are possessed by something. This idea leads parents to ignore their children when the “ED” is talking. What?! No! This is still your child. . . she’s just in pain, and can’t stop hurting. The above lash out from Mary is an example of her feeling in pain without resolution, but SAFE enough in your presence to FEEL it.

Please do not ignore these lash outs, as they will get worse, and require a type of support only YOU can provide.

What to expect:

• You will feel compelled to give into the details of the rant, asking questions about why the issue is now so important
• It will seem easy to just give in and apologize for being a terrible parent
• It will also seem easy to just do what they want (make dinner again without butter, let them have the day off from school, not go to treatment appointments) because they are claiming it’s all too hard.
  • As you give into their demands when they are in pain or irrationally lashing out, they will reward you with words of affirmation that you are truly supporting them.
  • You’ll feel compelled to keep this going, as it seems to make them feel better.

All of the above expectations are NOT supportive of their eating disorder recovery. But the other end of the spectrum is to ignore them? Let’s get more toward the middle, and definitely back to the parent in you, because THAT is what they need in times of pain. In the above example these are parenting tools we’d like you to remember so you can be the healthiest for your recovering son/daughter.

• As they start the butter fiasco, try your best to stop what you’re doing, and ask if you can talk in another room. The change of environment has been known to deescalate strong emotions.
• Remind them that you love them, and that you are here for them.
  • I know this seems common parenting sense to you, but feel free to read this when you start to question your parenting. It will help remind you of what you ALREADY know, and get you back to your strong parenting foundation.
• Tell them that with all of your heart that you will never understand their pain, but you KNOW they are in pain.
• Tell them you wish you could take it all away, but she/he KNOWS that skipping the butter in a dish or participating in any other eating disorder behaviors will only bring temporary relief. They deserve a full and lasting recovery even if it’s a painful road.
• Once they calm down, try to ask what happened that day (try to avoid adding “. . .that made you act like a lunatic”)
• Ask them what recovery support “looks like right now?”
  • Cuddle up and watch a movie after dinner?
  • Journal with them?
  • Do yoga together?
  • etc.
• Whenever they attempt to apologize:
  • Forgive them immediately.
  • Tell them that as hurtful as their words can be, you know they love you.
    • Do not give them a hall pass and express that it’s ok, it’s not.
  • Remind them that you only hear the pain, and that you WANT to be the safe place for them to feel their feelings (even when you don’t).

So in closing, you have examples of what parenting can turn into, but as a professional in this industry, it is imperative you REMEMBER who you are. The parent. They need you to be the parent ESPECIALLY when it looks the ugliest.

Please feel free to join our Eating Disorder Parenting Intensive coming this March

Sign up by texting us at (206) 910-8690 or shoot us an email!

To all my amazing parents out there, have a. . . well. . . “safe” Valentines Day. Expect the worst and REMEMBER you already know what to do!

This Groundhog’s Day, as you begin to support your loved one who struggles with an eating disorders, it is important to avoid the fear of failure. Anything you say or do could, or can be highly triggering to the very person you are trying to protect and support.

The fear of triggers in patients with eating disorders can make it hard to say or do anything regarding food, support, and even love for the one who struggles. Groundhog’s Day is truly about making a decision and moving on. This Groundhog’s Day we invite you to choose support in whichever mode it arrives.

The absolute truth is that you WILL fail. The fact that anyone with an eating disorder can be triggered by ANYTHING makes it difficult to know what to say, but we encourage you to move ahead as a parent.

Parents of adults with Eating Disorders

As you know, or are now learning through this blog, you, the parent of an adult, are the most supportive role anyone can play, except, of course, the patient. The decision to remember being the parent of your son or daughter is more important than anything you can do, support wise.

The parent is the ultimate safety for any young adult struggling with an eating disorder toward permanent recovery. The safety they feel with you as their parent, is something no treatment professional can offer. You are who they go to. You are the wall they can trust never moves.

You are the one they hope will not change with the situation they are in. Remembering who you are to your son/daughter is paramount to their eating disorder recovery. Recovery will NOT be pretty and will demand every inch of your integrity to stay “parent,” and not let go to make them feel better, or relieve their pain in any moment.

So, really, Groundhog’s Day happens for you almost every day as you must continuously decide whether to be the best as a parent or do what feels good, which might show up in ways your son/daughter will make painfully clear.

They will scream, “Please don’t put butter in that dish!” This will be such an easy way for you to provide pain relief. You now have the choice to listen to their eating disorder fear, or their long term recovery. How easy is it to avoid the butter in a dish when your son or daughter is home from college for just a weekend, you miss them, and it sounds like they are on fire. Easy.

Remembering that you are the parent, and the key is to remain, and represent as normal as possible for them? Difficult to the point of tears. We will definitely be doing more on this, but for the moment, just today make the harder decision, and make it tomorrow.