A tale as old as time. People with eating disorders tend to compare themselves at every turn to the people around them as they walk through the world, but it’s actually more complicated than that. People struggling with eating disorders often discuss comparison as though it happens all the time, and they compare themselves to EVERYONE. I can definitely validate this as a FEELING, but what actually happens in the brain is pretty complex, as it searches for JUST the right person, action etc. to focus on. The other piece of the puzzle is this idea of not allowing people to be, well, in existence.
But first let’s talk about the way we CHOOSE our victims in comparison.
Again, whenever I have asked my patients who they compare themselves to, I seem to always get the reply, “EVERYONE!” So, being me, I ask my little white female patient if she compares herself to, let’s say, an NFL player in a wheelchair. After the eye roll, like, “obviously not…” reality sets in that she does have a specific method to her madness. The people she chooses to compare herself, “…must be female and around my age,” to which I challenge even farther, asking whether she compares herself to pregnant women her age. After another eye roll, she now has to think about this idea in a much more internal and personal way. The answers really come out now.
The criteria usually come out:
- Similar age
- Similar race
- Similar abilities
- Similar phase of life
- Same gender
- etc.
But then it gets interesting. My patient starts talking about the fact that the next criteria is how the person looks like she must be thinner, happier, more successful, and just generally better than her. Due to this being just based on looks, I ask her how the looks make her feel, if all of her assumptions were true. I usually get the general idea that my patient ends up choosing people who make her feel inadequate on multiple levels. How interesting that we would choose ONLY people who made us feel inadequate?
This question and general idea of looking furiously for people who make you feel inadequate is fascinating to me, but if we take a closer look, it makes complete sense. In the patients I see, there is often deep pain that is really difficult to identify, either because it consists of so many unresolved issues, or an issue too painful to address, or usually a combination of these two things. So if you think about it, these sweet folks would constantly be on a furious quest to find ANYTHING to explain the pain. Finding insecurity in the stories we make up about other people seems easier to tolerate than exploring deeper or unidentified pain that might be worse. So what’s the answer?
For the answer, we follow the lobster. Just go with me on this one…
As shelter, lobsters often take shelter in moray eel caves. The caves that these eels make their homes are usually long and narrow… the perfect size for a lobster. The lobster takes shelter in the mouth of these caves. This way they are not crowding the eel, and they can “fish” for food in protection of getting eaten by outside predators. The eel makes this deal and doesn’t eat the lobster because the eel gets free protection from the lobster. The lobster has a pretty intricate method of staying safe. With two antenna, and the protection of the mouth of the cave, it could easily use both antenna to look for food, but they don’t. One antenna points toward the external environment looking for food, and predators that could be lurking, and one antenna is ferociously pointed back at that eel. At any point the lobster needs to be aware of what’s happening within.
I’d tell you to never stop comparing, the same way I’d never tell the lobster (when I talk to lobsters) to point both antenna back at the eel. Think about it, they’d starve to death if they can’t look out at their environment. But if both are pointed out, the internal is ignored and can become more dangerous.
If we can take a lesson from these crustaceans, we can understand that it’s ok to have an antenna out toward the external and compare, but we should be pointing another antenna toward the internal, in order to explore the pain not identified. Remember the pain you feel in comparing to others can be explored, but of it stops at, “I’m sad because other people are better than me,” you’re wasting a fabulous opportunity to learn more about your pain.
The more you can practice taking a comparison all the way through to the real pain, you can start becoming aware the awareness of how often you’re feeling this way. The conversation then changes to,
“Man! I’m feeling so (lonely, scared, inadequate, in pain, etc.) today. I’m picking only people to compare myself to that help me feel this way.”
And eventually, maybe….
“I’m grateful to this person for helping me go beyond the story I’m making up that they’re better than me, to my real pain points. So I can allow her be thinner than me, because I know that’s not what this is about.
Please let me know what insights you find for yourself, and your own recovery journey. *If you need support NOW, BOOK a phone session with me!*
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Yours in love and support,
Scarlett Ramey, MS, RDN, CD
P.S. Hope to see you in the comments. Let’s rally together during this time and stay connected in supporting YOUR Recovery journey. The world deserves the BEST of you.♥️