I don’t have to tell anyone that it is difficult communicating with a teen in the process of recovery from an eating disorder. The science of eating disorders, as described in the video below, the brain actually converts messages into something you’d NEVER say to your child. Now many eating disorder websites will demand that you NEVER talk about food, weight, health, numbers, triggers, the list goes on…..
The problem with this advice is that each conversation is unique, and if we put everything off limits, your teen will never feel comfortable being completely open. The other problem with all these taboos, is that we don’t allow for the whole family to attempt a sense of normal, and mend relationships when communication gets rocky. If you (not your teen/young adult) can commit to the following foundations of communication, you will have the power to communicate in ANY situation with the right intentions at the right tone, and in the right place.
The Formula
Trigger words can be dropped, food, weight, numbers, all of it can be discussed if you start with the right communication formula below:
When: This is the most important communication factor to consider. Almost never is it a good idea to start a discussion as a response or reaction to anything they have said ore are currently doing. If there is strong emotion on your end, there NEEDS to be an allowance for the dust to settle. People recovering from eating disorders are inherently HYPERsensitive to reactions, especially emotionally charged reactions, even if you “just care!” They avoid strong reactions like the plague.
The easiest way to approach any conversation or discussion, especially about how you feel, is best done WHEN all of the emotion has settled. THEN, and only then do you approach your teen to gently ask, when a good time would be to sit down and talk about something you need help with. These are actually pretty powerful words to a teen as you’re asking them to choose a time they’re willing to be most receptive. Now, if they say, “What? Let’s just talk now.” Try to respond lovingly by telling them, “no.” This is a really important matter to you, and you really do need their full attention. When is a good time for him or her? Once they pick, ACTUALLY thank them.
Why: This is where we get into the MEAT of what you want to communicate. Try to take the WHAT of your concern and go deeper. What does what they said or did make you feel. Scared? Confused? Betrayed? Name the feeling. This is your Why. Hold on to this. It will be important as we create this foundation for effective communication.
What: Now we have time to figure out exactly WHAT is the action that made you feel your WHY. Try to write this down exactly as the facts are in this formula.I notice that there is (action they’re presenting). Example: I notice it there is a lot of tuning to the bathroom after your finished with meals.I notice that there is a reluctance to finishing meals lately.
I notice that there has been harsher language used to address me and your Mother.
I’ve noticed we haven’t seen much of you lately. NOT: “You’re purging all the time!” “You never eat.” Or possibly ANY “You” statements. Try to get as many things you’ve “noticed” written down as possible.
Where: Any discussions regarding your child’s recovery, ANY PART OF IT, regardless of how important you think it may be, MUST be done in private. Any emotional reaction will simply not work as a communication platform. Going back to the when question, ask them also where is most comfortable for them to talk. It may be different each time so always ask this to allow them some power in the communication. Never “Here and Now.” It’ll just never work. Some place private and peaceful is always a good idea.
Putting it all together:
Now that we have our bases covered, the formula goes like this.
1. Calm down.
2. Ask them, lovingly where and when would be a good time to meet about something that’s super important to you.
3. Once in the meeting, you can put it all together with the following sample script.
“I’ve been really (scared/confused/feeling) recently, and I need your help. I don’t even pretend to know what’s going on, but I’ve noticed (actions you’ve noticed). I don’t understand enough not to be (feeling). Can you help me understand more these things from your perspective? I love you so much, and want more than anything to understand how to support you. Thanks for helping me.
The formula builds trust with your teen and allows them to find a safe place in you too come and tell the truth about whatever they might be going through.
For questions, clarifications or anything else, please do not hesitate to email me or text me at (206) 910-8690. Wishing you all the best to you and your family at this time.