As a parent in a normal situation, the idea of love insinuates that people generally feel good. Love ends up feeling awful when supporting a loved one through their recovery process. Eating disorder recovery is a nasty process with so many twists and turns, that parenting can seem like a slow descent into the Twilight Zone. If you’ve ever felt a sense of helplessness, (“Nothing I do seems helpful! She is always upset when I try to support her recovery!”) we are here to help.
Parenting a Child with Eating Disorder
As a parent, you have, in my professional opinion, the MOST important role in your son or daughters eating disorder recovery process (aside from your son or daughter). Your role as a parent, supporting your loved one’s recovery, means truly remembering that you are their safe place. Sounds nice, right? WRONG. . .
The nightmare storming through their recovering psyche is maddening. By day, they are expected to live in the outside world feeling completely out of control, and triggered at every turn, all while appearing perfectly in control. As the day progresses, the stimulation wears them down to the proverbial bone, and the only place they end up feeling safe is with you. Expect this release to look entirely irrational, as they release said nightmare, blaming YOU for their feelings of “out of control.”
They will scream obscenities about how you never do anything right. Expect to feel as though you’re letting them down at every turn, and not being supportive with your normal and healthy parenting boundaries. An example below:
- Tuesday night, Mary comes home from school as you’re making dinner, and drops to the ground, exasperated and witnesses you adding butter to the dish as the recipe has always called for (she used to eat this all the time). She panics, as though she has been lit on fire
- Mary: “Why would you do that to me?! You know I can’t eat butter, I’ll get fat!!!!!”
- Parent: “Honey? We’ve always made it this way, what’s going on?”
- Mary: “You know exactly what’s going on….. you’re TRYING to sneak butter into my dinner to make me FAT! What the F&%k is WRONG WITH YOU?
- Parent: . . . Speechless. . .
So where do you even start? Knowing and treating hundreds of individuals struggling with eating disorders, I do know they are genius-level intelligent. This intelligence turns its ugly head into locking you into a corner, and making you question EVERYTHING you thought was right or normal. Many treatment facilities will claim that this is not your daughter/son, it is only the eating disorder talking.
There is absolutely no way to support a child if you think they are possessed by something. This idea leads parents to ignore their children when the “ED” is talking. What?! No! This is still your child. . . she’s just in pain, and can’t stop hurting. The above lash out from Mary is an example of her feeling in pain without resolution, but SAFE enough in your presence to FEEL it.
Please do not ignore these lash outs, as they will get worse, and require a type of support only YOU can provide.
What to expect:
- You will feel compelled to give into the details of the rant, asking questions about why the issue is now so important
- It will seem easy to just give in and apologize for being a terrible parent
- It will also seem easy to just do what they want (make dinner again without butter, let them have the day off from school, not go to treatment appointments) because they are claiming it’s all too hard.
- As you give into their demands when they are in pain or irrationally lashing out, they will reward you with words of affirmation that you are truly supporting them.
- You’ll feel compelled to keep this going, as it seems to make them feel better.
All of the above expectations are NOT supportive of their eating disorder recovery. But the other end of the spectrum is to ignore them? Let’s get more toward the middle, and definitely back to the parent in you, because THAT is what they need in times of pain. In the above example these are parenting tools we’d like you to remember so you can be the healthiest for your recovering son/daughter.
- As they start the butter fiasco, try your best to stop what you’re doing, and ask if you can talk in another room. The change of environment has been known to deescalate strong emotions.
- Remind them that you love them, and that you are here for them.
- I know this seems common parenting sense to you, but feel free to read this when you start to question your parenting. It will help remind you of what you ALREADY know, and get you back to your strong parenting foundation.
- Tell them that with all of your heart that you will never understand their pain, but you KNOW they are in pain.
- Tell them you wish you could take it all away, but she/he KNOWS that skipping the butter in a dish or participating in any other eating disorder behaviors will only bring temporary relief. They deserve a full and lasting recovery even if it’s a painful road.
- Once they calm down, try to ask what happened that day (try to avoid adding “. . .that made you act like a lunatic”)
- Ask them what recovery support “looks like right now?”
- Cuddle up and watch a movie after dinner?
- Journal with them?
- Do yoga together?
- etc.
- Whenever they attempt to apologize:
- Forgive them immediately.
- Tell them that as hurtful as their words can be, you know they love you.
- Do not give them a hall pass and express that it’s ok, it’s not.
- Remind them that you only hear the pain, and that you WANT to be the safe place for them to feel their feelings (even when you don’t).
So in closing, you have examples of what parenting can turn into, but as a professional in this industry, it is imperative you REMEMBER who you are. The parent. They need you to be the parent ESPECIALLY when it looks the ugliest.
Please feel free to join our Eating Disorder Parenting Intensive coming this March
Sign up by texting us at (206) 910-8690 or shoot us an email!
To all my amazing parents out there, have a. . . well. . . “safe” Valentines Day. Expect the worst and REMEMBER you already know what to do!